Member-only story
Rewriting the Stories We Tell Ourselves
I’m a professional ruminator. I’m so good at it, in fact, I often pre-ruminate — stress about conversations I haven’t even had.
If you’ve ever rehearsed an argument or tough conversation in your head ten different ways, you know what I mean. We imagine every worst-case response, every possible misinterpretation and misrepresentation. We script the whole thing like we’re prepping for trial instead of a human conversation.
Years ago, I had one of those conversations. I was a leader in an organization tasked with resolving a conflict that had dragged on for months. Three parties were involved, which made things even messier. When it came time to make a decision, I made the wrong one.
To be fair, I did the best I could with the information I had, but I was close friends with one of the parties. Unfortunately, they were the ones hurt most by my decision.
I spent several nights lying awake, playing out a hundred different versions of the conversation I needed to have with them. In my head, they were furious. Betrayed. I imagined every word they might say, on repeat.
When the time came, the conversation didn’t go like that at all. They were hurt, sure, but they were also gracious. Forgiving. They reminded me our friendship mattered more than one bad call.
