Member-only story
You Will Never Outpace Your Own Desire
“I don’t want to change! I’m happy with how I am!”
It was one of the only times in my life I’ve really screamed at someone. During my time in Guatemala, I was assigned a partner, and apart from a few rare moments, we were stuck together. And we didn’t like each other.
Every morning, before 5 a.m., he would tap out a rhythm on our porcelain sink, waking me up. It made me want to cause him physical harm. That was just one of many things about him that drove me crazy.
On the day I lost it, he’d had the nerve to ask me to change something about myself — while refusing to adjust his own maddening routine. But the truth was, I did need to change. Our work wasn’t getting done because we couldn’t get over our mutual dislike.
Normally, partners were reassigned every so often. Not us. We were stuck with each other for six long months.
That experience should have taught me something about change. But, as it turns out, self-awareness doesn’t always translate into action.
Fast forward a few years. I was home and happily married to the girl of my dreams¹. I made a comment to her that I would rather starve than be overweight. I was working a physically demanding job so while I wasn’t really prioritizing staying in shape, it came because of the rigors of the job.
2025
I’m 40 pounds overweight and the girl of my dreams occasionally reminds me of what I said 23 years ago as she pats my rotund midsection.
The problem isn’t that I changed my mind about wanting to be fit. I still want that. But, if I’m being honest with myself, somewhere between then and now (and having a desk job now for 20 years), what I want and what I’m willing to do for it have drifted apart. I’ve opted for long work hours and unhealthy eating over taking time everyday to exercise. I want to be in shape but I also want to eat ice cream at 9:00 pm and donuts at 5:00 am.
Round is a shape, you know.
But this isn’t just about fitness or getting along with an irritating partner. It’s a pattern we see everywhere. We love the idea of change, but when it comes to doing the work, that’s often where things fall apart.
